An open letter to Comrades Hoon and Hewitt
Dear Comrades Hoon and Hewitt,
Let me first say that I am shocked, dismayed, disgruntled, flabbergasted, confused, angered, humbled, incensed, overwhelmed, overjoyed, under-impressed, reddened and outraged by your actions of the last few days.
Like you, many years ago I was a bedwetting communist, unilateralist, bra-burning pinko trot progressive. You, however, seem to have abandoned the high ideals of solidarity and adherence to exotic outré principles we all learned at the National Union of Students and decided to sacrifice your very souls in favour of winning elections. These are not the ideals of the post-blairite Labour Party.
As you know, I occupy a marginal constituency and am reliant on my job to bring in the expenses on which I rely to furnish my two homes and employ my nephews. Your selfish act in seeking to replace the accursed caledon cyclops son of the manse with someone competent may have seemed like a good idea to you, but that misses the point. If we appear divided, which is now extremely likely, thanks to the reactionary lickspittle proto-post-thatcherite pre-brown-victory-ite endeavour to unseat our glorious leader, we will probably be replaced with people who are in some way qualified to do the job and who haven’t had their heads in the trough this past eleven years. Is that what you want?
As a proto-post-revolutionary feminist, I hesitate to call you a c**t, but that’s what you are. A c**t who’s just pointed out to the rest of the world that we would sooner have a moron in charge than someone capable of doing the job.
Can I just ask what’s wrong with our current leader? Gordon Brown may be a Nokia chucking misogynist with megalomaniac tendencies, the intellect of a slug, a genuine messianic delusion and the charisma of Jeffrey Dahmer, but he’s our Nokia chucking megalomanic psychokiller, not the tories’. Surely it’s better to have one of our own in control than one of theirs?
With comradely admonishment,
Geraldine Dreadful MP,
Member of Parliament for Sickle and Hammer East.
Update: Thanks to Iain Dale at the excellent http://iaindale.blogspot.com/ for including this in the Daley Dozen, his list of the best blog entries of the day.
Twitter Comment
New blog post: An open letter to Comrades Hoon and Hewitt [link to post]
– Posted using Chat Catcher
Geraldine Dreadful MP,
Don’t despair. It may seem tough but I assure you that as long as you retain your seat then everything will be well.
Being in opposition is easy. There aren’t quite the perks, but no-one expects anything from you at all. Not the party, not the activists, not the media, not even the constituents. You can blame all your failures on the government and campaign on local issues, good or bad, as much as you wish.
Best of all, there is very little that you have to do and the perks are almost as good as in government.
But you must retain your seat.
As an MP of 35 years i suggest that you actively campaign on anything that you can that is anti-government. Better still declare something that isn’t likely, such as a hospital closure or a station closure, and campaign to stop it. Then, when the denials of closure are made, you declare a local victory.
Anyway, best of luck.
Yours etc
Bill Quango MP
Twitter Comment
I’ve arrived! @iaindale has chosen Geraldine Dreadful MP’s letter to Hoon and Hewitt for the Daley Dozen [link to post]
– Posted using Chat Catcher
Before long, famous bloggers will be coming here.
That’s the hope. As long as I’m still funny by then.
Still?
Gobshite.