Information is beginning to stream in of a car bomb attack on Palace Barracks, one of the largest British Army bases in Northern Ireland, and the NI headquarters of MI5.  Update: Confirmed by @eamonnmallie 12.20am explosion at rear of barracks.

Unconfirmed reports suggest additional attacks at Shankhill Road Police Station and Loughshore Army Depot.  All these locations are deep inside unionist areas of Northern Ireland.  The blast(s) take place on the morning when Policing and Justice powers are to be devolved in Northern Ireland.

As ever, nabidana.com hopes the morons behind these nonsensical terrorist attacks are brought to justice, and hopes that nobody has been injured or too seriously inconvenienced by the actions of these unthinking cretins.

www.youtube.com/watch?v=wzmhD5IFUOg

Reading the Guido Fawkes blog earlier, I was struck by the force with which I disagreed with Paul Staines.  His contention is that, as a liberal party sans the sectarianism etc of Northern Ireland, the party shouldn’t intervene in their issues, and should be wary of working alongside either or both of them.

As it happens, I argued in the articles UUP and Conservative Talks (August 2008), Tory UUP Alliance (October 2008) and Jeff Peel, Reg Empey and a Clockwork Orange (March 2009) that the best thing would be the extinguishment of the UUP.  I argued that they should be abandoned as a party of the past, an intransigent throwback to the days of Protestant ascendancy.

I still believe that, essentially.  Normal politics (that is, based on ideas more than heritage, based on policy rather than religious denomination, and susceptible to evolution and change) is extremely difficult to have in a system where a party like the UUP could survive. Simply incompatible, in my view. I believe that the people of Northern Ireland deserve better than the politics that Sinn Féin, the DUP and the UUP can offer.  The intellect of those parties is simply so limited at the policy making level that they just can’t be good at it.  I’m still trying to deconstruct that thought, and I’m working on it hard, but I know it’s true.  I can throw examples around, like the failure to agree a Bill of Rights or the decision to replace the school selection system with complete chaos.

Anyway, back to where I was headed.

The Conservative Party is a liberal, non-sectarian, secular political party which believes in the Union.  In Northern Ireland, it’s possible that the unionist parties might cannibalise themselves and split their vote in the forthcoming elections, and, if there was an election to the Northern Ireland Assembly, it’s likely in such a scenario that Sinn Féin would emerge the largest single party, and therefore be in a position to nominate the First Minister.

David Cameron wants to be the Prime Minister of the United Kingdom, and the last thing he wants is to have to deal with a Sinn Féin First Minister with a mandate as the largest party.  As a result, I think it’s reasonable and sensible that, as an opposition leader, he should do what he can to encourage the unionist parties to get their act together, and spare us all the spectre of that shower in power.  What he should not be doing is going into alliance with them.  They represent something to be dealt with, not encouraged.

4.15am

Castle woken by intrusion alarm, as Lord Alderdice tries to ram-raid his way through the security cordon in a JCB.  Eventually talked down by David Forde, and was immediately tazered by angry PSNI officers.  Eventually claimed that Iain Dale had made him do it.

8.30am

Breakfast meeting with Perm Sec, Justice Division and Prime Minister’s political office.  Apparently getting a breakthrough would add 10% onto the PM’s approval rating amongst people who:

a) realise Northern Ireland is part of the United Kingdom and
b) have Labour candidates standing in the general election.

Perm Sec unhappy when I pointed out that this meant an approval rating increase of 0.0004%.

9.00am

Second Breakfast meeting between Justice division, PSNI and, for some reason an EO2 from Finance and Personnel.  Am asked to take notes, but EO2 won’t take off his sunglasses and speaks only in code.  Reminds me I signed the Official Security Act.  Am beginning to think that the spooks are involved in the discussions behind closed doors.

9.30am

Sinn Féin arrive and demand breakfast in the throne room.  Shaun Woodward raises eyebrows but arranges it to be done in his characteristic deadpan-yet-hilarious way.  Woodward then calls me aside and gives me a tazer, to use against Peter Robinson if he gets out of hand.

9.50am

DUP arrives, followed by Gordon Brown and Brian Cowen.  Met with a Department of Foreign Affairs 3rd Secretary who warns that Plan L is being considered by the Irish Government.  Makes me vow not to tell Perm Sec.  I daren’t ask what Plan L is, but I’m certain it must be something dreadful.  UUP threaten to set up tents in the park if they don’t get let in.

10.30am

Gordon Brown is given the growth statistics he was promised for earlier, because our email is down in the castle.  It seems Lord Alderdice may have severed the cables when he crashed into the box.  Had the files sent to my gmail, as it appears it’s now more secure than the GSI account.  As the documents are given to him, he is also given a new mobile phone secured to his wrist with a small length of bungie cord.

Cowen sends a secret document to all parties, entitled ‘Plan L’.  Liz O’Donnell to be dispatched from Dublin in something slinky.

10.35am

Gordon Brown has had to be separated from his Political Advisor after attempting to throttle him with the bungie cord attached to his cellphone.  Apparently the growth statistics aren’t that good.

11am

Plenary session.  Brown outlines where the issues with Policing and Justice are.  DUP quickly point out that in their view, community confidence has to rise before people accept devolution.  Sinn Féin asks how that community confidence might be measured.  Cowen adds that any measurement of improved community confidence should be above any margin of error.  DUP quips to the PM that anything above 0.1% would be good for them.

11.50am

Coffee break.  DFA staffer observes that Brown looks as piss-weak as our Duchy Originals tea.  I observe that Plan L is nowhere as good as Plan W.  Ann Widdecombe would sort this mess out, I say, and he scarpers.

12.00pm

Cowen outlines Irish Government position, which seems to be:

• Whatever happens, don’t start bombing tourist things.  It’s the only projection of growth for the Irish economy in 2010
• Whatever happens should be enough to ensure good news stories and pictures of Cowen on the television all the way to the next General Election.
• Whatever.

Brown asks when the next Irish general election is due.  Cowen replies ‘not as soon as yours’

Brown outlines British Government position which seems to be:

• David Cameron could become Prime Minister
• IRA should make one last big hit, on either Old Holborn or Guido Fawkes.  Tory Bear would be good as well.

DUP asks Cowen what Ireland has to gain from actually participating in these talks.  Cowen says this is an outrageous question to which he ought not to have to face, and that he would not be prepared to answer it under any circumstances.

12.50pm

Cowen finally admits that there is no point in him being there, but that the only alternative is Plan L.  Refuses to specify what Plan L is.  Hs to be reminded he already told everyone.

1pm

Lunch time.  Sandwiches from Sprucefield M&S for everyone.  Shirts and pants retrieved for Brown and Cowen, who were both a bit whiffy.  Taischudch uses Her Majesty’s bathroom, and Brown opts to be hosed down in the courtyard.

2pm

A shiny clean Brown and Cowen offer to convene a plenary at 5pm, giving each party 3 hours to do whatever they want.  Sinn Féin go to sleep on the rugs in the Throne room, Peter Robinson climbs to the top of the tower to listen to Peter Sarstedt’s Greatest Hits on his MP3 Player.  Brown has a conference call with Tony Blair and Alistair Campbell, Cowen searches for a pub in the village not full of journalists.

4.45pm

It’s clear that the team meetings have achieved little.  The meeting seeks to reconvene, and waits for the DUP to return.  A motivational speaker from the British Council delivers the patented Collie McGivern ‘Getting to Yes’ talk on negotiation for most of the parties, while the DUP group receive a motivational speech from Ken Ham, the founder of the Creationist Museum, detailing why it’s right not to evolve.

5pm

Parties reconvene.  DUP demands to know when dinner is, and what’s on the menu.  Peter Robinson suggests that he could go down to Castlereagh and pick up something in a cafe he knows.  Is tazered before he can get out.  Sinn Féin says it doesn’t mind getting in Dominos again, and it is prepared to order for everyone.  Peter Robinson points out that Sinn Féin ordering everyone is exactly what they’re trying to avoid.

6pm

Silence in the room, everyone looking down at their notepads.  Sammy Wilson asked by Brian Cowen to stop singing the Bobby Sands song.  Gerry Kelly shows everyone he can strip an office chair with one hand and blindfold.  Silence continues, until McGuinness outlines the demands again.   Gordon Brown asks him to see it from the DUP’s perspective, and Gerry Adams quips that it’s rich a man with one eye telling anyone about seeing things in perspective.  Joke lost on the table.

Silence for twenty minutes, occasional sound of pens being clicked, coughing.

Cowen summons a staffer from DFA and tells him to ready Plan L

Silence again.

7.00pm

Dinner.  Silence.

8.00pm

Remembering that PMQs is the next day, Gordon Brown offers to stay one day longer.  Peter Robinson sighs loudly, asks what the point is.  Plenary continues in silence until Cowen suggests an icebreaker.  Enthusiasm dies off when it’s discovered that the ice breaker is the one where people pass oranges under their chins to one another.  DUP walkout in protest.

9.00pm

Cowen breaks out the guitar.  Sing song in the throne room.  Am sent to the off licence, with a very specific list:

• Department of Foreign Affairs:  Two bottles of Merlot
• Northern Ireland Office: Two bottles of Cabernet Sauvignon
• Prime Minister’s Office: Tonic water
• Roinn an Taoisigh: Two bottles of Jagermeister, 12 cans of Red Bull
• Sinn Féin; Bottle of Baileys, half bottle of Pernod, bottle of babycham if they have it, some WKD
• DUP: Bottle of Beafeater Gin, two bottles of bitter lemon (bitter orange if they have it)
• Peter Robinson: Bottle of vodka, packet of razor blades.

Peter Robinson tazered as I leave.

Wednesday 27 January 2010

10am

After the late breakfast, Cowen and Brown convene to discuss why nothing’s happening.

12pm

Plenary.  Brown convenes a discussion and reminds people he saved the world, and he’ll be damned if he leads the Labour Party into a General Election without a deal on Northern Ireland.  Demands people stop laughing.

12.30pm

Brown’s bungie-cord phone is almost thrown seven times as he receives live tweet coverage of Prime Minister’s Questions.  The visibly shaken Prime Minister knocks over his water repeatedly.

2.45pm

Brown and Cowen head off for the quiet room to wait for the all-clear to leave.  Nobody knows when they’ll leave.  Shaun Woodward is in charge.

Apple Announces iProd march

CUPERTINO, California—March 11, 2009—Apple® today introduced the all-new iProd® march, the world’s most desirable reformed christian, capable of sustained belief of its superiority over centuries.  The revolutionary new MarchOver feature enables iProd march to speak your hymn and psalm titles, books of the new testament and give pithy commentary on any political issue of the day, as well as walk in a somewhat dignified manner to church and onward to an assembly field. The third generation iProd march is significantly smaller than a dirty rebel, holds up to 1,000 prejudices and is easier to manipulate by the DUP with all of the controls conveniently located on the collarette. With the press of a button, you can play, pause, adjust volume, switch playlists and hear the exciting prejudice of the day. iProd march features a gorgeous new design with shirts and blouses from Debenhams and trouser suits from the Outlet outside Banbridge, along with  a built-in ’shoulder chip clip’ that makes it ultra-wearable.

“Imagine your worst nightmare talking to you, telling you you’re destined to an eternity of sorrow and suffering, constantly reminding you of Christ’s sacrifice, the perfidies of the UK government and what he’d do to Martin McGuinness if he ever got hold of him, ” said Greg Joswiak, Apple’s vice president of iProd and iPhone™ Product Marketing. “The amazingly small new iProd march takes a revolutionary approach to how you listen to your music by incessantly disapproving of you, also making it the first iProd march with playlists.”   “It’s far superior to the Apple iTaig, which has only one track and goes on and on and fucking on about it for 800 years,” he added.

iProd march is based on Apple’s incredibly popular shuffle feature, which randomly selects hymns and sermons from your music library. And now, when you can’t remember the name of a hymn or a visiting minister playing, with the press of a button iProd tells you the name of the devotional song and clergyman. iProd march can even tell you status information, such as whether th’on girl at number 52’s been shacked up with that fenian from over the town. With the ability to hold up to 1,000 simultaneous tracks and the MarchOver feature, you can now easily switch between multiple simple misconceptions on your iProd march.

*Battery life and number of march cycles vary by use and settings. See www.apple.com/batteries for more information.  Hymn capacity is based on four minutes per hymn and 128-Kbps AAC encoding; in 256-Kbps AAC format, song capacity is up to 500 songs; actual capacity varies by encoding method and bit rate.

Apple ignited the personal computer revolution in the 1970s with the Apple II and reinvented the personal computer in the 1980s with the Macintosh. Today, Apple continues to lead the industry in innovation with its award-winning computers, OS X operating system and iLife and professional applications. Apple is also spearheading the digital media revolution with its iPod portable music and video players and iTunes online store, and has entered the mobile phone market with its revolutionary iPhone.

Press Contacts:
Christine Moob
Apple

(7345608) 974-88423450

Tom Neumayr
Apple

(4084)324 974-2341972
NOTE TO EDITORS: For additional information visit Apple’s PR website, or call Apple’s Media Helpline at (456408) 976784-2042.

Apple, the Apple logo, Mac, Mac OS, Macintosh, iPod, iPhone, Apple Store and iTunes are trademarks of Apple. Other company and product names may be trademarks of their respective owners.  Nábídána might just get sued for this one.

8.15am

Got phone call from Perm Sec’s office, telling me to get to Aldergrove airport and make sure there is no red carpet.  DUP don’t look amused that my tie is green. Apparently thery’ve been up all night practicing the scowl and the ‘never’.

9.30am

Apparently they’ve been delayed, and they may fly in to City instead, in order to make sure the teeshuck (sp) doesn’t have a chance to spy on the RAF base.  Picked up a neutral tie in a charity shop on the way.

1.00pm

The Prime Minister and the Tioaseadhch have arrived and are enjoying some sandwiches that I picked up from a bakery in Lisburn.  Was very careful not to get O’Briens.   The Perm Sec was quick to point out to them that the sandwiches came out of the North South Ministerial Council budget.  Prime Ministers eating alone.  DUP are in the Plough and the UUP are in the Hillside.  Sinn Féin got Dominos delivered.  Another first for Hillsborough Castle.

2.00pm

Hillsborough is filled to the gills with boorish louts, and that’s just the Southern Department of Foreign Affairs.  They’ve shipped seventeen staffers in, and they insist on brewing that vile Barry’s Gold Blend instead of the decent Duchy Originals tea we normally serve here.  Third secretaries trying to give me orders for food, I told them they could fend for themselves.  Only one of them has a card that’ll work in the ATMs.

3.00pm

Breakthrough, as Martin McGuinness finally leaves the Sinn Féin room to propose a plenary to discuss his party’s issues. Apparently these are:

• Peter Robinson to give over with the silent sobbing
• Peter Robinson to stop making prank phone calls to the Lock Keeper Café
• Peter Robinson to stop pacing the OFMDFM corridor with a knife
• Sammy Wilson to stop singing ‘Would you like a pasty supper, Bobby Sands’
• Policing and Justice to be devolved
• If Arlene Foster is to stay on as First Minister, she has to let her hair grow out
• Simon Hamilton MLA to stop calling bomb scares in to the Department of Employment and Learning to test their reaction time
• DUP to stop talking to other Unionist parties
• DUP to stop referring to the proposed Irish Language Act as ‘An Acht Ghobheldaígúch Éireannach’
• Christopher Stalford to stop faking ID cards pretending to be an MLA
• That hot brunette Emma what’s-her-name to stop doing whatever it is she does, because it’s distracting.  Hot, but distracting.

4.00pm

Breakthrough from the DUP as Peter Robinson, between angry, tearless silent screams admits:

• Policing and Justice not a problem, everything else non-negotiable.
• Asks politely for Gordon Brown not to mention the NI economy, as it’s buggered enough already

4.30pm

Ulster Unionists keep demanding to be admitted to the talks.  DUP offers to leave the talks.  Sammy Wilson offers to take Martina Anderson out for a picnic somewhere nice and secluded, clothing optional.

4.45pm

David Forde (Alliance) demands to know when he gets to control the nee-naws and bang a gavel.  Politely told that nobody trusts a man in a beard

5.00pm

Brief hiatus for Peter Robinson to sob in a foetal position and Sinn Féin MLAs to sign deed polls for party members who might benefit from a change of name.  Nobody wants an unglamorous name on the Sex Offender’s register.

6.00pm

DUP off to the Hillside, Danny Kennedy suggests UUP calls in with Jeff Peel for dinner.  From a mile and a half away, Jeff can be heard telling him to fuck off.

7.00pm

David Trimble has started prank calling Peter Robinson, apparently the joke is that he got the circular about someone having an affair with his wife.  David Cameron to intervene.

8.00pm

Peter Robinson points out that the deal is done and politely asks Messrs Cowen and Brown to leave.  Brown can’t face going back to London, since growth figures are out tomorrow.  Cowen just can’t face going back to explain again to An Tánaiste what exactly her job is.  Again.

9.00pm

Shaun Woodward opens the cocktail cabinet.  DUP not amused

10.00pm

David Cameron has asked David Trimble to stop harassing Peter Robinson.  Has agreed to stop, has decided to prank Gerry Kelly instead.  Christ knows what that entails.

12.00am

All staff sent to bed, in preparation for another day of Brown and Cowen tomorrow.  Hope it’s more eventful than today.

Gordon Brown, erstwhile Prime Minister, met with Brian Cowen, floundering Taoiseach, to try to encourage the Sinn Féin leadership to put marginally less time into protecting the identities of pederasts and ignoring victims of sexual assault, and to implore the Democratic Unionists to get over their fear of a responsive and accountable policing and justice regime.

The respective heads of government may well achieve a nice untidy carve-up, to further disenfranchise the moderate nationalist SDLP and pump more taxpayers’ money from the rest of the UK into the increasingly undeserving territory in North East Ulster.  With any luck, their thinking goes, they will each have achieved something not entirely catastrophic for their country. With any luck, they are sure to have been thinking in the plane as they swooped into Belfast, they may each have a chance to have something in the history books which isn’t about the fact that each of them presided over the economic circumstances which destroyed their country’s economies, and each became leader of their nation at the point the collapse occurred.

And despite the hand of history hovering uncomfortably over Jonah Brown’s shoulder, he still finds time to try desperately to use Northern Ireland as a political football, accusing the Conservatives in today’s Guardian of endangering the peace process.

To be clear, there is nothing wrong with Conservatives seeking to intervene before the election with the Unionist parties to strike deals about the outcome of any negotiations around a hung parliament.  It is the sensible thing to do, so long as it has not been decided to enter into any policy agreements with the DUP in advance of the preparation of the Conservative Manifesto.  So long as no concessions have been made on policy to the DUP, and so long as agreements are limited only to agreeing not to stand in opposition to one another in key marginal seats, in a way which removes the risk of Sinn Féin taking those seats, then it is an essentially an honourable and reasonable bargain.

Speaking from a train where for some reason he always is, the Minister explained:

“Well, our gritting policy is based on three planks, all of which are recognised to have a positive impact on health:

1. Work Life Balance
2. Getting more exercise
3. Healthy diet

First, during the cold snap is a good time to spend more time at home with the kids and the spouse, and to relax more.  The current gritting strategy allows the average British business person lots more time at home, since they can’t get to work.  Work life balance has a major impact on health.

Second, we all know how hard it is to walk in a major snow drift.  By going for regular walks in the uncleared, untreated snow we develop cardiovascular fitness.  That’s great news.

Finally, we all know we should use less than six grams of salt a day.  There’s around sixty million people in the UK, and there’s a thousand kilos in a metric tonne, so that means the approximate 3600 tonnes of salt we still have left will do us rightly for ten days.  Super.  The take home point from this is that we are thinking of your health in the cold nap, and we’re deliberately not gritting.  It’s definitely not total incompetence.”

A new section of the blog whereupon we kick the tyres on the stories of the week and work out what lessons we can learn.

Labour ‘Dodgy Dossier’ Launch

Labour are rather keen on launching dossiers, aren’t they?  As if their intelligence dossier on Iraq’s Weapons of Mass Destruction hadn’t been a clusterbang enough, Alistair Darling decided to launch a document detailing what he described as a £38bn ‘Credibility Gap’ in tory finance plans.   What he didn’t mention was what the rest of us think is the Labour Party’s £178bn credibility gap, known as the actual projected budget deficit.    David Cameron called it junk.

Conservative Draft Manifesto Launch

David Cameron did some exciting launching on Monday 4 January as well, launching a poster campaign at the same time as his draft manifesto, based on an enormous picture of David Cameron’s face and the promise to cut the deficit and not the NHS.  The posters are a bit hardcore massive, and we haven’t yet discovered whether or not they’ve been airbrushed.

Iris Robinson is accused of two deadly sins, five breaches of Local Authority codes of conduct, at least two breaches of parliamentary standards and a crime against taste and decency.  On the plus side, she did almost make Peter Robinson cry.

Wife of Northern Ireland’s First Minister Iris Robinson, who announced a few weeks ago she would step down from politics citing depression, was this week at the centre of a storm relating to an extra-marital affair which had led to an attempt on her own life.  Or so we thought.

In fact, when Peter Robinson made the announcement relating to the decision he had made to confirm his wife’s infidelity but stay in his position, he left more questions open than answered. The confirmation soon came that the BBC was running a very secret and very special Spotlight current affairs programme about something much more serious.

That more serious thing was not the fact that the chap Iris had been having it away with was a 19 year old entrepreneur, though that was mildly amusing.  The more serious thing was that Iris appears to have ‘borrowed’ or been given  £50,000 to help fund her lover’s business interests, supported his application to become the tenant of a council-run and funded facility within the local authority within which she was an Alderman and never once declared any of the donations or her conflict of interest to Castlereagh Borough Council,  The Register of Members Interests for Parliament or The Northern Ireland Assembly.   From her text messages, we think she had run it past God.  The devil is not, however, in the buttermilk, but rather in the detail.  Demanding the cash back from young Mr McCambley (now 19 to her more advanced 60 years) she demanded £5,000 in cash.  Oops.  Can Peter Robinson survive, without having referred her case to the standards authorities, as he had a clear duty to do?  Jeff Peel doesn’t think so.

Hoon and Hewitt run the worst coup ever

‘I haven’t spoken to any member of the cabinet’ is not the sort of line one uses when trying to inspire confidence in one’s backbench colleagues and spur them on to regicide and rebellion.  But that’s the line Geoff ‘Hoon’ Hoon and Patricia ‘Hoon’ Hewitt decided to use when running the worst coordinated operation since the defence of the Reichstag.   Other lines one might not want to use are, when asked ‘Do you want to get rid of Gordon Brown’, the response ‘Well, now, that’s a decision for the Parliamentary Labour Party’ and, when put up against an in-form Dark Lord Peter Mandelson, it’s best not to mumble incoherently about how people would make their own decisions.

It turned what was actually a good day on an okay week for Gordon Brown, where he performed well at Prime Minister’s Questions, and turned it into a godawful hell for Labour.   The one thing the British people like less than Gordon Brown is a divided political party, and this really didn’t need to hapen.  It’s better for a political party to be divided but keep quiet about it than for two of your more disgruntled former VIPs to open their stupid mouths and eliminate all doubt.  We learned that in 1995.