Speaking at a meeting of the Moral Relativists Association, Lord Mandelson warned that a vote for Ed Miliband, the younger of the two brothers leading the Labour leadership race, could result in a return to ‘the politics of social democracy, fairness and the tedious objectives of full employment, equality and an end to poverty’ rather than the politics of ‘media graft, the schmooze, the thinly veiled threat and reaction to perceived Tory unfeelingness’.

He went on to warn of the possibility of a Labour party future dominated by ‘dreadful meetings with trade unionists and the poor’ rather than constant vigilance over local and national news outlets.

‘What message would we be sending by electing someone who just drones on and on about principles, practicalities and policy? This is not the time for thoughtfulness or reflection on the failings of the last few years of New Labour.

This is the rime to promise faithfully to continue with more of the same. For that reason, David Miliband is your man. Or you could try Ed Balls for the comedy option’.

“In the past, the presence of attractive but ultimately security-compromised hostile agents has been a staple of British security life, both at home in the Security Service bailiwick and overseas, where SIS is most active.  It has been a matter of extreme disappointment that key hostile actors have begun to replace their most nymphomaniac and libidinous agents with competent intelligence officers without Facebook pages, listings in swingers magazines or dogging fetishes.  If this trend persists, we shall have to consider recalling our own psychologically flawed hornballs who wouldn’t know a one-time pad from a frequency scanner from overseas service.”

The newly released expurgated report from the SIS is an innovation of the new coalition government.

Andy Burham. Image stolen from Wikimedia.

Former Health Secretary Andy Burnham has revealed to the Times his inspiration for seeking to be leader of the Labour party.

In his exclusive article to be published this Friday 27 August, the self-described ‘ordinary’ candidate has expressed his preference for good over evil, a government which makes peoples’ lives better, and his encouragement of other people to be good to one another.  But crucially, Mr. Burnham, member of Parliament for the safe Labour seat of Leigh, in working class Wigan, finds himself inspired by the plot and music from 80′s film ‘The Karate Kid’.

“In essence, the majesty of Joe Esposito’s lyrics to ‘You’re the Best’ are the inspiration I needed to become a Labour MP, and they continue to to take my breath away every time I hear them”, explained the former Cabinet minister.

“Try to be best
‘Cause you’re only a man
And a man’s gotta learn to take it

Try to believe
Though the going gets rough
That you gotta hang tough to make it

History repeats itself
Try and you’ll succeed!”  he said, smiling wistfully as he looked into the middle distance.

“If that’s not the essence of Aneurin Bevan’s political theory, if that’s not the sanctifying approach taken by Hugh Gaitskell, then what is?”

This week marks the beginning of the real push to establish the personalities of the Labour leaderhsip candidates, and Burnham is delighted to have attracted the attention of the Times.

“It’s simple enough.  David Cameron is Johnny Lawrence, and Lord Ashcroft is John Kreese, the Sensei of the Cobra Kai dojo.  The Lib Dems are essentially all the other guys from Cobra Kai who get a couple of lines in the film who hang around with him and beat up Daniel La Russo.  Danny’s either the Labour Party or me.  Some of my colleagues even call me Daniel-san.   Anyway, It seems to me that all the work I did in Culture, Media and Sport was a bit like wax-on, wax-off, and while I was Chief Secretary to the Treasury, Alastair Darling quite literally had me painting walls and trimming Bonsai trees.”

When asked who in his inspiration fills the role of Mr. Miyagi, Andy Burnham grins.  “Clement Attlee.  Clement Attlee is Mr. Miyagi.”

Andy Burnham is a busy man; he makes great effort to ensure his eyebrows are intensely visible, and tries to be certain that every time he does a TV interview it looks like he’s actually trying to climb into the camera into peoples’ homes.  He will be visiting a number of Constituency Labour Party Meetings to prove that his inspiration is the thing to put fire back int he belly of the Labour Party.

“I will have them singing at Party Conference.  I want them on their feet, reminded of Clement Attlee’s passion for wax on, wax off , and remind them:

You’re the best!
Around!
Nothing’s gonna ever keep you down
You’re the Best!
Around!
Nothing’s gonna ever keep you down
You’re the Best!
Around!
Nothing’s gonna ever keep you dow-ow-ow-ow-own

Fight ‘til you drop
never stop
can’t give up
Til you reach the top (FIGHT!)
you’re the best in town (FIGHT!)
Listen to that sound
A little bit of all you got
Can never bring you down”

CCTV footage shows a female passer-by finding the former Education Secretary sitting on the wall, before bundling him into the large plastic bin. He was discovered unhurt some fourteen hours later by his wife, who heard him giving a random and incoherent yet passionate speech inside the dark plastic moulding, apparently believing he was being interviewed by Jeremy Vine.

Local police have confirmed that Kathryn Brightshore, Constituency Labour Party chairperson for Morley and Outwood has been questioned in connection with the offence and offered police protection. When questioned by a local radio station, she told of being overcome with an intense desire to ‘smash his fucking brains in’ and opted to put him into the bin in order to protect the Labour Party.

Ms Cooper has asked for people to co-operate with the police and IPSA on the matter, and not to vote for him for party leader.

Ed Miliband, not entirely useless. This photo stolen from the excellent http://www.peoplesrepublicofsouthdevon.co.uk/

As a pro-Cameron tory, it’s actually quite hard at the moment to write a blog with a political theme without feeling a pleasant calm ennui.  It’s actually difficult to find something to write about.  Labour MPs are being wooed by a shower of talentless wannabes while the blogosphere of the left is still in arms-folded ‘I can’t believe the LibDems’ mode. The attacks come from all angles and none- the leadership contest fug which has enveloped the Labour party means that the most they can manage is cheap soundbites delivered between constituency visits and phonebank photocalls.

I must say I have become impressed by Ed Miliband, but for one reason only – any candidate who attracts the support of former NUS President Kat Fletcher must have quite a brain on him, since Kat is not a woman without significant resources of analysis and intelligence.  I have witnessed it at first hand, and I know she doesn’t give her loyalty easily.  He must, therefore, not be completely useless, however silly and gormless he looks.

Apart from that, I am delighted beyond belief that Iain Dale has decided to persevere with Geraldine Dreadful MP – her latest missive is on his website now. I understand she’s already started writing to David Miliband about his forthcoming visit to Sickle and Hammer East.

You can find Geraldine Dreadful’s previous missives below, and her constituency website is finally due to launch very soon.

Geraldine writes to Dan Hannan, May 2010, calling for an end to bankers

http://nabidana.com/2010/05/geraldine-dreadful-mp-writes-to-hannan/

Channel 4 Writes to the Labour Party over Geraldine Dreadful MP’s conduct in recent graft documentary

http://nabidana.com/2010/03/channel-4-writes-to-the-parliamentary-labour-party-about-geraldine-dreadfuls-conduct/

Geraldine writes to Frank Field MP

http://nabidana.com/2010/03/geraldine-dreadful-mp-writes-to-frank-field-mp/

Geraldine admonishes Iain Dale on his interview with Nick Griffin, BNP leader

http://nabidana.com/2010/03/geraldine-dreadful-mp-writes-a-letter-to-iain-dale-on-his-interview-with-nick-griffin-mep/

Geraldine has a go at Iain Dale over publicity given to an artist

http://nabidana.com/2010/02/open-letter-from-geraldine-dreadful-mp-to-iain-dale/

Geraldine Dreadful MP admonishes David Cameron over the plan to ensure teachers can read and write

http://nabidana.com/2010/01/a-letter-from-geraldine-dreadful-mp-to-david-cameron/

Geraldine Dreadful opens a can of revolutionary fury on Geoff Hoon and Patricia Hewitt

http://nabidana.com/2010/01/an-open-letter-to-comrades-hoon-and-hewitt/