Ireland’s economy took another turn for the worse today when it was revealed that the country has not paid the electricity bill, gas bill, rent or home insurance for the past two months.

The day to day management of the national accounts, carried out by Brian Lenihan TD, was on a knife-edge but had appeared to be back under control last week when the Irish stock exchange posted better than expected figures.  The untimely arrival of a bill from EazyPass finally caused panic in government.

A source close to Lenihan familiar with the matter explained:

“We’ve been running a budget deficit in real terms of around €49 bn, but we had all that balanced and sorted.  This bill for €44.60 for use of the M50 toll road has finally, officially put our economy into proper red territory.  Coupled with the gas bill for €202, the €79 electricity bill and the rent which is now two months overdue, I simply don’t know how we’re going to cope.”

A leading government economist, speaking to nábídána on condition of anonymity, admitted Ireland is in financial meltdown.

“Practically the whole cabinet is working two jobs right now.  Mary Hanafin does shifts at the Starbucks in Dún Laoghaire, Dermot Ahern works Saturdays at a petrol station in Louth, Brian Cowen cycles around on an advertising trike at Stephen’s Green and John Gormley just got turned down for a job selling Avon cosmetics.  They’re doing everything they can, but this extra forty-odd euros is crippling. There’s only Tesco Club Card vouchers over the horizon, and they probably won’t come in until next week at the earliest. ”

As a result, the government is finding it hard to borrow money.  Whilst Spike Hanratty, from Tallaght, has lent Noel Dempsey €100 until the weekend to see him get by, he is immovable on the repayment date.

“I’m buying a bicycle, so I’ll need the cash to buy a helmet” he said, when confronted by reporters on Monday night.

A statement is apparently being prepared by the Irish Central Bank ; a further anonymous source said it will mostly consist of an angry, muffled scream and the offer from an unnamed member of Cabinet to blow Nicolas Sarkozy for €50.

Brown, whose past benedictions have destroyed the British banking sector, the car industry and the value of Sterling, declared:

“Nobody deserves greater credit for this than my friend Brian Cowen. He brought great patience, he brought huge tenacity, he brought good humour and he brought great skill. This settlement would not have happened without the levels of co-operation between the Irish and British governments”

By my reckoning this gives Cowen about three weeks to live.

4.15am

Castle woken by intrusion alarm, as Lord Alderdice tries to ram-raid his way through the security cordon in a JCB.  Eventually talked down by David Forde, and was immediately tazered by angry PSNI officers.  Eventually claimed that Iain Dale had made him do it.

8.30am

Breakfast meeting with Perm Sec, Justice Division and Prime Minister’s political office.  Apparently getting a breakthrough would add 10% onto the PM’s approval rating amongst people who:

a) realise Northern Ireland is part of the United Kingdom and
b) have Labour candidates standing in the general election.

Perm Sec unhappy when I pointed out that this meant an approval rating increase of 0.0004%.

9.00am

Second Breakfast meeting between Justice division, PSNI and, for some reason an EO2 from Finance and Personnel.  Am asked to take notes, but EO2 won’t take off his sunglasses and speaks only in code.  Reminds me I signed the Official Security Act.  Am beginning to think that the spooks are involved in the discussions behind closed doors.

9.30am

Sinn Féin arrive and demand breakfast in the throne room.  Shaun Woodward raises eyebrows but arranges it to be done in his characteristic deadpan-yet-hilarious way.  Woodward then calls me aside and gives me a tazer, to use against Peter Robinson if he gets out of hand.

9.50am

DUP arrives, followed by Gordon Brown and Brian Cowen.  Met with a Department of Foreign Affairs 3rd Secretary who warns that Plan L is being considered by the Irish Government.  Makes me vow not to tell Perm Sec.  I daren’t ask what Plan L is, but I’m certain it must be something dreadful.  UUP threaten to set up tents in the park if they don’t get let in.

10.30am

Gordon Brown is given the growth statistics he was promised for earlier, because our email is down in the castle.  It seems Lord Alderdice may have severed the cables when he crashed into the box.  Had the files sent to my gmail, as it appears it’s now more secure than the GSI account.  As the documents are given to him, he is also given a new mobile phone secured to his wrist with a small length of bungie cord.

Cowen sends a secret document to all parties, entitled ‘Plan L’.  Liz O’Donnell to be dispatched from Dublin in something slinky.

10.35am

Gordon Brown has had to be separated from his Political Advisor after attempting to throttle him with the bungie cord attached to his cellphone.  Apparently the growth statistics aren’t that good.

11am

Plenary session.  Brown outlines where the issues with Policing and Justice are.  DUP quickly point out that in their view, community confidence has to rise before people accept devolution.  Sinn Féin asks how that community confidence might be measured.  Cowen adds that any measurement of improved community confidence should be above any margin of error.  DUP quips to the PM that anything above 0.1% would be good for them.

11.50am

Coffee break.  DFA staffer observes that Brown looks as piss-weak as our Duchy Originals tea.  I observe that Plan L is nowhere as good as Plan W.  Ann Widdecombe would sort this mess out, I say, and he scarpers.

12.00pm

Cowen outlines Irish Government position, which seems to be:

• Whatever happens, don’t start bombing tourist things.  It’s the only projection of growth for the Irish economy in 2010
• Whatever happens should be enough to ensure good news stories and pictures of Cowen on the television all the way to the next General Election.
• Whatever.

Brown asks when the next Irish general election is due.  Cowen replies ‘not as soon as yours’

Brown outlines British Government position which seems to be:

• David Cameron could become Prime Minister
• IRA should make one last big hit, on either Old Holborn or Guido Fawkes.  Tory Bear would be good as well.

DUP asks Cowen what Ireland has to gain from actually participating in these talks.  Cowen says this is an outrageous question to which he ought not to have to face, and that he would not be prepared to answer it under any circumstances.

12.50pm

Cowen finally admits that there is no point in him being there, but that the only alternative is Plan L.  Refuses to specify what Plan L is.  Hs to be reminded he already told everyone.

1pm

Lunch time.  Sandwiches from Sprucefield M&S for everyone.  Shirts and pants retrieved for Brown and Cowen, who were both a bit whiffy.  Taischudch uses Her Majesty’s bathroom, and Brown opts to be hosed down in the courtyard.

2pm

A shiny clean Brown and Cowen offer to convene a plenary at 5pm, giving each party 3 hours to do whatever they want.  Sinn Féin go to sleep on the rugs in the Throne room, Peter Robinson climbs to the top of the tower to listen to Peter Sarstedt’s Greatest Hits on his MP3 Player.  Brown has a conference call with Tony Blair and Alistair Campbell, Cowen searches for a pub in the village not full of journalists.

4.45pm

It’s clear that the team meetings have achieved little.  The meeting seeks to reconvene, and waits for the DUP to return.  A motivational speaker from the British Council delivers the patented Collie McGivern ‘Getting to Yes’ talk on negotiation for most of the parties, while the DUP group receive a motivational speech from Ken Ham, the founder of the Creationist Museum, detailing why it’s right not to evolve.

5pm

Parties reconvene.  DUP demands to know when dinner is, and what’s on the menu.  Peter Robinson suggests that he could go down to Castlereagh and pick up something in a cafe he knows.  Is tazered before he can get out.  Sinn Féin says it doesn’t mind getting in Dominos again, and it is prepared to order for everyone.  Peter Robinson points out that Sinn Féin ordering everyone is exactly what they’re trying to avoid.

6pm

Silence in the room, everyone looking down at their notepads.  Sammy Wilson asked by Brian Cowen to stop singing the Bobby Sands song.  Gerry Kelly shows everyone he can strip an office chair with one hand and blindfold.  Silence continues, until McGuinness outlines the demands again.   Gordon Brown asks him to see it from the DUP’s perspective, and Gerry Adams quips that it’s rich a man with one eye telling anyone about seeing things in perspective.  Joke lost on the table.

Silence for twenty minutes, occasional sound of pens being clicked, coughing.

Cowen summons a staffer from DFA and tells him to ready Plan L

Silence again.

7.00pm

Dinner.  Silence.

8.00pm

Remembering that PMQs is the next day, Gordon Brown offers to stay one day longer.  Peter Robinson sighs loudly, asks what the point is.  Plenary continues in silence until Cowen suggests an icebreaker.  Enthusiasm dies off when it’s discovered that the ice breaker is the one where people pass oranges under their chins to one another.  DUP walkout in protest.

9.00pm

Cowen breaks out the guitar.  Sing song in the throne room.  Am sent to the off licence, with a very specific list:

• Department of Foreign Affairs:  Two bottles of Merlot
• Northern Ireland Office: Two bottles of Cabernet Sauvignon
• Prime Minister’s Office: Tonic water
• Roinn an Taoisigh: Two bottles of Jagermeister, 12 cans of Red Bull
• Sinn Féin; Bottle of Baileys, half bottle of Pernod, bottle of babycham if they have it, some WKD
• DUP: Bottle of Beafeater Gin, two bottles of bitter lemon (bitter orange if they have it)
• Peter Robinson: Bottle of vodka, packet of razor blades.

Peter Robinson tazered as I leave.

Wednesday 27 January 2010

10am

After the late breakfast, Cowen and Brown convene to discuss why nothing’s happening.

12pm

Plenary.  Brown convenes a discussion and reminds people he saved the world, and he’ll be damned if he leads the Labour Party into a General Election without a deal on Northern Ireland.  Demands people stop laughing.

12.30pm

Brown’s bungie-cord phone is almost thrown seven times as he receives live tweet coverage of Prime Minister’s Questions.  The visibly shaken Prime Minister knocks over his water repeatedly.

2.45pm

Brown and Cowen head off for the quiet room to wait for the all-clear to leave.  Nobody knows when they’ll leave.  Shaun Woodward is in charge.

Gordon Brown, erstwhile Prime Minister, met with Brian Cowen, floundering Taoiseach, to try to encourage the Sinn Féin leadership to put marginally less time into protecting the identities of pederasts and ignoring victims of sexual assault, and to implore the Democratic Unionists to get over their fear of a responsive and accountable policing and justice regime.

The respective heads of government may well achieve a nice untidy carve-up, to further disenfranchise the moderate nationalist SDLP and pump more taxpayers’ money from the rest of the UK into the increasingly undeserving territory in North East Ulster.  With any luck, their thinking goes, they will each have achieved something not entirely catastrophic for their country. With any luck, they are sure to have been thinking in the plane as they swooped into Belfast, they may each have a chance to have something in the history books which isn’t about the fact that each of them presided over the economic circumstances which destroyed their country’s economies, and each became leader of their nation at the point the collapse occurred.

And despite the hand of history hovering uncomfortably over Jonah Brown’s shoulder, he still finds time to try desperately to use Northern Ireland as a political football, accusing the Conservatives in today’s Guardian of endangering the peace process.

To be clear, there is nothing wrong with Conservatives seeking to intervene before the election with the Unionist parties to strike deals about the outcome of any negotiations around a hung parliament.  It is the sensible thing to do, so long as it has not been decided to enter into any policy agreements with the DUP in advance of the preparation of the Conservative Manifesto.  So long as no concessions have been made on policy to the DUP, and so long as agreements are limited only to agreeing not to stand in opposition to one another in key marginal seats, in a way which removes the risk of Sinn Féin taking those seats, then it is an essentially an honourable and reasonable bargain.

The vicious attack, in which tables were turned over and punches thrown, broke out after a member of the audience made jokes about the religious motivation of the Christian Solidarity Platform and Cóir in the referendum campaign.

Maire Duncan, a member of the Women for Lisbon group, described how Jesus removed his hooded top to bathe the entire meeting in holy light, before striking out randomly at the audience.

‘It was absolutely awful, though obviously divine. The Prince of Peace got totally stuck in, beating seven holy shades of shit out of yes activists’.

Speaking to press from a levitating position just out of reach of the Gardaí and, the Christ urged challengers to come forward.

“Whosoever has said in his heart ‘Yes to Lisbon’ shall not enter my Father’s house, nor be anointed by the spirit, nor shall he have a commissioner, nor shall his troops be commanded by his Caesar, who is called Brian Cowen, even though he hath told ye it shall be thus.’

“Also, whosoever hath said in his heart he is hard enough, suffer him to come forward to me to have a go.”

I was awfully inspired on a few of them to pull them down and correct their grammar, possibly add a coherent argument, but resisted the temptation.  I, of course, do not have a vote, thanks to the border and my British citizenship.  Suits me.

But just have a look at a few of these dreadful pieces of detritus.  I present, for your viewing pleasure, three from the ‘Ireland For Europe’ war room, one from Labour and one from the left-leaning ‘No to Lisbon’ movement.  I may have given the impression in a previous post that Cóir are the lead agency of opposition to Lisbon, when, of course, that is nonsense.

The lefties are the prime movers on Lisbon, but Cóir/Youth Defence are much more fun to make fun of, and they sue much more liberally (they’ll probably sue me for accusing them of being overly litigious).

Ireland For Europe.

I want to draw your attention to three posters from Ireland For Europe first.

[nggallery id=3]

I want you to consider in what sense the Lisbon Treaty, a document Brian Cowen was unable to read before the first referendum, is simple.  These posters, with their fancy cut-out, their naive design and their utterly disgraceful patronising tone, are actually, if you think about it, bullying.  ”It’s simple.  I want something.  Vote Yes.”  There is no meaningful attempt to connect with the people in these posters, which is almost why they fail.  The real reason they fail, just like the others, is that they have practically nothing to do with the Lisbon Treaty.  Practically nothing at all.

“It’s simple, I want a strong voice in Europe”.    How will voting Yes give you a stronger voice?  Is this a threat?  If we vote no, will our voice become weak?  Almost as weak, perhaps, as the nation’s puny, tiny population deserves?

“It’s simple, we need Europe.”  Okay.  I don’t see much of a move to chuck Ireland out of the EU for doing what the UK deeply wants to do and vote No.

“It’s simple, I’m safer in Europe.”  This bears no relation whatsoever to any fear anybody actually has.  It is ridiculous, and it’s utterly irrelevant to the Lisbon Treaty.  First, Ireland will not be made to leave the EU unless it declares war on another member state.  Second, if there is a European armed forces protocol in the lifetime of the treaty, you won’t be safer.  You’ll be a target, and a combatant nation.  That is, if you want to play your full role and not be ambiguous about your commitment to the project.

Epic fail.

Labour

Second, let’s look at this gem from Labour.

[nggallery id=5]

Only one thing to say about this generally okay poster. Labour is saying Yes.  How large is the work ‘Yes’ on the poster?  Where is the call to action?

Lefties

Next, the only lefty poster I’ve seen so far (maybe I missed a few) is here:

[nggallery id=4]

This is a great poster.  It really captures a basic concept, and it’s straight to the point.  The people who put this together should be pretty happy with this.  VW and other corporate organisations are probably not going to best pleased.

Nutters

Finally in this round up, as usual around All-Ireland Final time, North Dublin gets an infestation of this crap:

[nggallery id=6]

I hate the message, but the poster makers for referendums need to get with the programme on this: if the 32 County Sovereignty Committee can put a fucking call to action on their posters, perhaps your armies of graduates could try something in the future?

Speaking after today’s three meetings with potential buyers, Cowen said:

“Well, the American chap was keen on setting us up as some sort of aircraft carrier off Europe, the two guys from the UK said they were just looking, and one seemed keener than the other.  The third guy sold me a timeshare in Marbella, which was nice.”

“It’s very simple,” said the Taoiseach.  “People must learn to live in painful anxiety in caves as if the outside world has become profoundly toxic, and must learn to enjoy it. Or they must die.”

The report, printed in lettraset on the back of an old report to save money, outlines enormous cuts to the various government agencies and departments which administered the faintly ridiculous government of Ireland during the boom years before the nuclear strike which devastated the economy entirely predictable recession.

“We will make life as similar to life after a devastating nuclear attack as possible.  We will simulate the nuclear winter for eighteen months with crippling taxes on home heating fuel, and we will remove the entitlement to the medical card from practically everyone, in order to simulate the effects of a cataclysmic destruction of our infrastructure and health service.”

“Also, we’re going to arm the Gardaí and call them Marshals. People even so much as thinking of budgets will be cast into the outer, radioactive darkness, which we will make by grinding up the insides of old watches and smoke alarms.”

“There are innovative ways to save money, and these are entirely Irish solutions to an Irish problem” said the Taoiseach, pointing across the table to a group of senior civil servants, dressed in frock coats and wearing fingerless gloves painstakingly copying the 306 page report by candle light by hand with rolled up pieces of carbon paper.

The report recommends the cut of Social Welfare payments to anybody capable of begging, emigrating to America or growing potatoes, along with innovative measures to do with lynching civil servants and forcing pregnant women to appear on reality TV shows to earn the money to pay for their epidural.

“In addition, we have decided to add the words ‘or face death’ to every clause of every law on the Statute books, and charge €50 for every word spoken in Irish.  People who even consider building new apartment blocks will be put to the sword and have their heads, and the heads of their families, impaled on the gates of the Oireachtas, to be scavenged by the starving hordes roaming the streets in agony.”

The Conservatives have an enormous lead in the polls, but they are the Conservatives, so they are sure to find an ingenious way to alienate the entire population.

In the UK, Gordon Brown is Prime Minister and leader of the Labour Party.   He’s emerging from a scandal involving the proposal by one of his key aides to smear members of the opposition parties and do all sorts of fun mischief. His policies are ‘wait a few days and then say sorry’ for every piece of news happening at all.’

David Cameron is leader of the Conservative party, just heading into Local Government elections and an election to the European Parliament.  The Conservatives have an enormous lead in the polls, but they are the Conservatives, so they are sure to find an ingenious way to alienate the entire population.  Apparently, everybody is emerging from a scandal about claiming things that ought not be claimed on second home expenses.

In the United States, Barack Obama is President, the first black president of the United States.  of course, his mother is of European ethnicity, so if he’s run for election in Kenya, he would have been Kenya’s first white leader. Puts it in perspective a bit?  No? Okay.  I predicted a McCain victory, and that came back to bite me in the ass.  Obama is tough but fair, having offered direct talks with Iran with some small preconditions, reinforced his nation’s presence in Afghanistan and ordered the closure of Guantanamo Bay’s Camp X-Ray.  In addition, he has dealt harshly but fairly with the nation’s car industry, forcing restructuring.

Lefties all over the world thought Obama was something godlike. He’s not, but compared to what went before him, he’s a lot better for the presige of the nation.

In the un-liberated twenty six counties, Brian Cowen, former Finance Minister, is now An Taoiseach (Pronounced teeshuck, means Prime Minister).  he’s claiming nobody knew about the impending theft of the world economy during his tenure over the Irish one, but just as Bertie Ahern left office, -bang- it was nabbed too.  Hiouse prices, previously through the roof in Ireland have begun to ease off, and it is now possible to own a house and buy a sandwich for lunch.   The vast majority of the cabinet well commands the Irish language, very few seem to have a grasp of mathematics or economics.

Wales has a Labour/Plaid Cymru Assembly Government, which I hope for the sake of the Welsh disproves the aphorism ‘you get the government you deserve’.

Scotland has a minority Scottish Nationalist Party government, which puts Alex Salmond at the top table with Gordon Brown, hopefully giving the Prime Minister an ulcer, or a revised submission under Barnett, whichever is worse. Salmond is languishing with bugger all to say about the economy except ‘Hoots, mon’ and ‘Jings, mon’.  Or something.

The EU is just as vapid and nonsensical as ever, proving Nelson was right and that the Germans may be the opposition, but the French are no longer the enemy. Speaking of which, Germany has Kanzler Angela Merckel (CDU, centre-right) and France has Prèsident Nicolas Sarkozy (PP, centre-right) as their respective head of government and Head of State. Sarkozy isn’t loved anymore, but he’s planning to do something about it.  He’s seen as the most financially able president of France in along time, and the Economist likes his style, for now.  It’s yet to be seen whether they’re well prepared outside the UK for the results of a shunting growth in economy after the inevitable uptick.

The Rev. is of course fondly remembered for his appraisal of Mr. Cowen.

This from Wikipedia:

Cowen’s tenure as Foreign Minister saw extensive negotiations continue regarding the Northern Ireland peace process and other international activities, particularly when Ireland gained a place on the United Nations Security Council. In 2003 Cowen, as Minister for Foreign Affairs, was the victim of a bizarre personal attack by the leader of Northern Ireland‘s Democratic Unionist Party, Ian Paisley, a former outspoken critic of the Republic of Ireland and its government. In front of a crowd of party supporters and in the presence of television cameras and radio reporters, Paisley launched into a diatribe about Cowen’s personal appearance before also insulting his mother.^[3] In 2004 Cowen played a key role during Ireland‘s Presidency of the European Council and the simultaneous expansion of the European Union.

The almost-simultaneous retirements of Messrs Paisley and Ahern couldn’t have been timed better.