I am no conspiracy theorist, as regular readers will be aware. I think planes flown by islamist terrorists brought down the twin towers, I don’t think US dollar bills are evidence of a freemason / Jewish plot to rule the world.

But I do think the Irish referendum on the Lisbon treaty is a massively planned conspiracy between the state broadcaster, the dead tree press, the state and the EU. I believe it’s a plan to preserve the Irish government and to force ratification of the Lisbon Treaty. I believe the EU needs this to be done before an increasingly unstable United Kingdom government is deposed and anti-treaty Conservative party takes over.

I invite anybody sceptical of my claims to visit Ireland next Saturday night. After an agreeable dinner at the Pig’s Ear on Nassau Street and some great beers at The Porterhouse, in the morning of Sunday, I shall deliver some newspapers to your hotel for you to peruse. Try to identify any editorial not openly hostile to the No campaign. See the innuendos about the No campaign bandied around. Homophobic, closeted, deeply distasteful generalisations abound. Criticisms of the various yes campaigns are nonexistent.

Then we’ll perhaps venture to a very aggreeable eggs benedict for brunch, listening to the state broadcaster’s flagship current affairs radio show, the Marian Finucane show. The ratio for the yes and no campaigns will be 4:1 or 5:0 if the show is feeling bold, and Marian will allow the yes team (and they will be working as a team) to shout down the no speaker, who will be told he or she should be grateful for the airtime.

You’ll want to see the official documentation for the referendum, so I can provide that. You’ll be amused to see that even the non binding parts of negotiations the government has conducted will be outlined by the supposedly non-partisan referendum commission.

Perhaps before we go to the cinema you’ll have time to meet some of the EU civil servant payroll coincidentally in Ireland distributing information about the EU.

In the cinema, the three EU information adverts that will play before the feature will come before and after the trailers. Of course, these aren’t about the treaty. Just about how you can trust the EU to keep you safe, safeguard your rights and keep popcorn safe (seriously) and the comfort level of your cinema seat up to scratch (genuinely).

At this point, you might be a little tired and anxious to return to the airport, where you may be flying Ryanair. Happily, they’ll be supporting Yes as well, just so you can feel the full experience.

Ireland feels like a totalitarian state right now. No supporters are derided and denigrated, anybody speaking out against the misinformation and domination strategy is labelled something akin to an enemy of the people.

So come and see Ireland, come and see the way an EU referendum is handled, and consider whether the people here really are free to vote in a fair referendum. But don’t say you weren’t warned what to expect.