Gordon Brown, the king of wishful thinking, has just made the Queen read out some drivel in the House of Lords.  Here’s the draft he sent up to Buckingham Palace before it was fixed up by an infinite number of monkeys with typewriters.

“My Government, which has saved the world and the global financial system, will introduce a number of bills which will keep the house busy for the next five years of a reinvigorated and rejuvinated Labour administration.

My government will introduce a bill aimed at curbing the use of duck houses by Conservatives, and at increasing duck house use by the recently unemployed, illegal immigrants and bankers.  The Duck House bill will also contain handy tips for barbecuing chicken.

My Government will introduce a Defence of the Premier act, which will make it an offence to say rude things about the Prime Minister, giggle when he says things which are really very important, and to report any of the frankly very important and not at all foolish things he does in his office.

My Government will introduce a Mobile Telephone and Printer Repairs Act, which will ensure that consumers whose telephones or computer printers are damaged in fits of rage will have them replaced or mended by their manufacturers free of charge.  This bill will indemnify members of the government against the costs of such repairs, and is estimated to save my exchequer some £50m over the next six months.

My Government will introduce an act to make it possible for a member of my House of Peers to become a member of my House of Commons, and then to switch back to the House of Peers if it doesn’t work out all that well and they get thrashed. The Bill, which will be innovatively introduced in my House of Peers by My Lord Mandleson of Hartlepool and Passport Application, will make it possible for important and vital deals made by the Prime Minister to be honoured.

My Government will introduce an act immediately to require all children to learn British History properly.  In addition to older history, more recent affairs will be taught in schools.  Children will learn of terrible people from the past like the Pierrepoint family, Jack The Ripper, Dr. Harold Shipman, Oliver Cromwell’s purge of Leinster, the Amritsar Massacre, the Poll Tax and Margaret Thatcher, and will spend a month learning about the NHS and the many great deeds of recent Prime Ministers, like Tony Blair, Gordon Brown and Peter Mandleson.

My Government will introduce a bill aimed at harmonising British Law with the laws of other European friendly nations.  The European Subservience Bill will make it much more likely that Tony Blair can become European President, and that the Current Prime Minister can become head of the European Central Bank.”