Eric Pickles,
Office of the Party Chairman
Conservative and Unionist Party,
30 Millbank, London, SW1P 4DP

Dear Chris,

Whilst it is as you know not normally in my nature to write to members in a negative way, I feel that I really must write to you today to put on the record the way in which David, George and I have determined this election campaign will be fought.

Of course, you are quite within your rights to express your position on any issue of concern to you to anyone, but David has asked me to gently make it clear to you that if you mention immigration, human rights or homosexuality during this campaign again, you will be shot repeatedly in the leg with a Hilti gun, your face will be subjected to the ravages of a vertical band sander,  your car will be crushed, your house will be turned into a Bed and Breakfast called ‘Chaps’ and, assuming despite your best efforts we win this election, you will be named Minister for Local Government.

As you know, we are a broad church in the Conservative party.  If you approve of and agree with these proposals, please let me know.  I look forward to sharing a packet of jammy dodgers with you on May 7th, should we succeed in our mission.

Let me know.

Eric Pickles MP,
Chairman of the Conservative Party