4.25pm May 7 2010. Conservative Campaign Headquarters
DAVID CAMERON (For it is he)
“Hello, can I speak to Nick Clegg please”
NICK CLEGG (For it is he)
“Yes, Prime Mini…- David. I’ve been waiting for your call.”
CAMERON: “How did you know it was me?”
CLEGG: “Caller ID.”
CAMERON: “But I’ve never called you before. We’ve never spoken on the phone before.”
CLEGG: “Ah…”
CAMERON: “Anyway, Nick, You probably saw me on TV earlier. I’m prepared to outline for you the areas where I believe, in essence, I think we can work together, and the areas where…”
CLEGG (Interrupting) “Let me just stop you there. Say it.”
CAMERON: “Say what?”
CLEGG: “Say it, David. Say the words I want to hear.”
CAMERON: “Do you want to be Deputy Prime Minister?”
CLEGG: ‘NO, not that one. Say it. The thing.”
CAMERON: “Oh for fuck’s sake.”
CLEGG: “No say-ee, no govern-ee”
CAMERON: “Fuck, really?”
CLEGG: “Say it.”
CAMERON: “I agree with Nick.”
CLEGG: “Fucking A! Fucking right you do, Cameron. You agree with me on everything.”
CAMERON: “Well, not everything. Not on Electoral Reform, Europe, Tax, Fixed Terms, House of Lords.”
CLEGG: “True. So anyway. i was thinking we could start with a few drinks, maybe bring our MPs to a getting to know you day out, then we could all cook each other food or have a barbecue together. Just to see how we gel.”
CAMERON: ‘What the fuck are you going on about? If we give you a referendum on electoral reform, will you give us an agreement to work with us on the Queen’s Speech and an abstention on the biggies?”
CLEGG: “Oh. You don’t want to do like a Thames Pleasure Cruise or something?”
CAMERON: “Not really, no. Maybe after we’ve cut the deficit, managed the debt and begun to build new schools?”
CLEGG: “Fuck. Well, I suppose that’s okay. Are you going to make Vince the Chancellor?”
CAMERON: “Nick, you can stop pretending you like Vince now. We both know he’s a c…”
CLEGG (Interrupting) : “Well, anyway…”
CAMERON: “For fuck’s sake, Nick, is he listening on the other line?”
CLEGG: “No.”
CAMERON: “Christ the light. Vince, put down the phone, this is between me and Nick.”
[Sound of phone cradle being clicked]
CAMERON: “Right. All that plus I tell the lads not to jeer when you ask a question at PMQs. How does that sound?”
CLEGG: “Right, well, I’ll have to bring that back to the party. We are a democratic party, it’s my responsibility as…”
CAMERON (Interrupting): “Yeah, fucking blah blah fucking blah. Get back to me when you’ve grown a pair.”
[Sound of dial tone]
