In an unprecedented shift from normal protocols, the Secret Intelligence Service MI6 has disclosed publicly a ‘disappointing reduction’ in the number of attractive and sexually voracious foreign spies sent to the UK.   In the newly released expurgated and declassified version of the Service’s quarterly report to the Intelligence and Security Committee, the Executive Director, Sir John Sawers notes:

“In the past, the presence of attractive but ultimately security-compromised hostile agents has been a staple of British security life, both at home in the Security Service bailiwick and overseas, where SIS is most active.  It has been a matter of extreme disappointment that key hostile actors have begun to replace their most nymphomaniac and libidinous agents with competent intelligence officers without Facebook pages, listings in swingers magazines or dogging fetishes.  If this trend persists, we shall have to consider recalling our own psychologically flawed hornballs who wouldn’t know a one-time pad from a frequency scanner from overseas service.”

The newly released expurgated report from the SIS is an innovation of the new coalition government.