An Taoiseach Brian Cowen has announced his departure from politics after the election due to be called today.

It is widely expected that the Laois-Offaly TD will return to his career before politics, as a stealthy and well paid assassin, retained by several western governments and organisations.

An unnamed source from the secretive Kai Delta Brotherhood, a fraternity of armed agents with offices in Geneva, New York, Kuala Lumpur and Tullamore, said that before he moved into politics, Brian Cowen was a well respected assassin, possessing almost superhuman skill, and feared by his targets.

“Back in those days, Cowen was known as the Jagged Edge.  He was adept with the sniper rifle, the poison-tipped blowdart and the crossbow, but he was happiest with the  three bladed tactical knife.

The Jagged Edge was incredible.  He refused to train as a ninja, claiming their conceited exclusivity made him shake with anger.  He had silence and speed, the ability to drop from a roof and take out guards with a flick of his bladed wrist.  He killed without pity and without joy, but eventually, both came to him, he fell in love and became homesick for his beloved Ireland.  His sentimental attachment to his homeland was the downfall.  He left the assassination business and joined Fianna Fáil.”

Mr Cowen is expected to be recalled to Kai Delta in the coming weeks for training in the Himalayan Foothills, whereupon the nature of his next assignments will be decided by a shadowy group of overlords known as The Council.

Stivan Gulba, Non State Agents expert at Jane’s Defence Weekly, says Cowen’s supernatural ability to get out of trouble and cover his tracks makes him invulnerable to legal process.

“He is made of teflon.  He could be deployed to Kabul, Cairo or Carlingford.  The nature of his business is that nobody will know where he is, but his strikes will rock the world as they have in the past, and nobody will doubt the Jagged Edge has struck again.  He will leave a calling card; usually a mark in the shape of the Fianna Fáil harp logo carved with the blade that killed the victim, on the head end of his or her coffin.  It’s chilling.”