Tests designed to determine the future finance needs of the Irish banking sector have been completed and the figures published by the Financial Regulator, Matthew Elderflower, in a document reflective of the Lenten season.

The report, entitled ‘The Book of Revelation’ is divided into three main sections: the methodology of the tests and the banks’ co-operation with them is described in the section called ‘Forgive them, Father, they know not what they do’, while the section ‘Jesus wept’ handles the credit status of EBS and Irish Life and Permanent.

The final section of the report, entitled ‘Forty Pieces of Silver’ and subtitled ‘Suffer the bankers to come unto me’ handles the position of AIB, a bank which to all intents and purposes has a Newbridge Silver cake slice underwriting tens of billions of stagnating debt.

Speaking at the launch of the report, the regulator made no comment on the novel naming of the report or its chapters, only commenting ‘This banking sector doesn’t need a regulator, it wants a fucking exorcist’.