The Pope, yesterday
Pope Benedict XVI has decided to close the Irish Catholic Church, amid a gathering storm of corruption, lawlessness and blatant disregard for the law. In a statement issued by the Vatican, it was announced that Sunday will host the last services, and that all priests, bishops and archbishops will be made redundant.
Speaking after the announcement, Chief Executive of the Papal Estate in Ireland Mhuire Gánsmál said:
“After recent revelations, it has become clear that the Irish Catholic Church cannot continue to operate. The unfair allegations against the church, along with the recent revelations of wrong-doing, mean that people have lost faith in the fairness of this organisation.
It is our hope that the priests, bishops and archbishops of this, one of the greatest sui iuris apostolic vicariates in the world, will find jobs either within the vast organisation, or with other judaeo-christian sects. They are a fine body of men, and we within the Roman Curia wish them well.”
Bishops and Priests were engaged today in the work of Christ to ensure that Sunday’s final Mass is the greatest ever. Congregations are being promised a small glass each of real wine for the Eucharist, complementary hymnals will be distributed and collections will, just this once, not be used to cover up the most horrific and scandalous sexual and physical child abuse or re-home the perpetrators.
In addition, in keeping with the traditions of such things, hilarious custom-produced versions of the gospels will be given to newly redundant clergy, replacing the names of apostles with theirs, and novelty stations of the cross featuring Archbishops carrying the cross will be distributed.
No decisions have yet been taken on the other apostolic vicariates implicated in recent disclosures, although it is rumoured that attempts by the Roman Curia, led by religion mogul Benedict XVI to take control of the Church of England and other branches of Episcopalianism have been put on hold.
