Gerry Adams eating an ice cream
An occasional section where we put your concerns and questions to people in the news. This week, Gerry Adams, former Member of Parliament for the constituency of Belfast West and more recently Baron of the Manor of Northstead has crossed the border to the Republic of Ireland to contest the constituency of Louth for Dáil Éireann. He has come in for criticism for his apparent lack of knowledge on economics matters.
Upset from Sligo writes:
Dear Gerry Adams,
Recently, my girlfriend and I have been considering moving in together, to share the costs of living and find out whether we’re really compatible for the long haul. We think this is a good idea, but my mother, a devout catholic, considers this ‘living in sin’ and has vowed never to cross our threshold if we go ahead. I love and respect my mother, but surely we’ve moved on? What can I do to convince her.
Upset, Sligo
Gerry responds:
Dear Upset,
What your mother needs is a real republic. In a real republic, every citizen is respectful of the choices of other citizens, and each citizen looks out for one another. Tell your mother that, in a real republic, this would not be a problem.
Lover, Not a Fighter from Dublin writes:
Dear Gerry,
About a month ago, I cheated on my boyfriend of eight years. It was exciting, electric and utterly shameful, and I can’t stop remembering the sex and the way he treated me like a princess. It would break my boyf’s heart if I was to tell him. Should I tell my boyfriend or bury the secret?”
Gerry responds:
Dear Lover, not a fighter,
In a real republic, there is no need for cheating, because each citizen is a free agent. They are particularly free from terrible things like sexual shame. Voting Sinn Féin will allow Ireland to build a bridge to the free future. If you need help with burials, I am something of an expert. Get back to me.”
Painful, Tralee, writes:
Dear Gerry,
Every time I perform oral sex on my girlfriend, I get a painful throat, a bit like a strep throat the next day. I love her, but I think she’s partially responsible for the illness. What to do?
Gerry responds
Dear Painful,
Unfortunately, Fianna Fáil’s relationship with the developers made this sort of thing inevitable. Do you think the rich people in Dalkey and Sandyford suffer the way you are? What your throat needs is a real republic. And probably a bit of gargled listerine before you go to sleep at night.
Troubled from Dublin, writes:
Dear Gerry,
I am worried that, with the cuts to child benefit, the universal social charge and the rises in VAT, I may not have the strength to keep my family clothed and fed this year. I’m really concerned that the other parties’ plans don’t add up. Can I trust Sinn Féin with Ireland’s finances?
Troubled, Dublin
Gerry responds:
Dear Troubled,
According to my calculations, the Irish economy would recover instantaneously if we finally had a real republic. In a real republic, debts are forgotten and deficits are simply recoloured in Excel from red to black and designated surpluses. Anyone earning more than 80% in the new real republic economy will have cuts all across that, and there will be no VAT. VAT rises will become a thing of the past as we refuse to pay the extortionate rate of interest demanded by our trading partners. As for child benefit, in a real republic, all the needs of your children are paid for by the taxes collected from former members of the cabinet.
