Nábídána.com has uncovered evidence* that the current driving chaos caused by Britain’s potholes epidemic has its roots in a conspiracy with tentacles so high up the parliamentary hierarchy that it may cause the collapse of the institution of Parliament itself.
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For we can exclusively reveal that Ed Miliband and Ed Balls, with the technical and scientific support of Sally Bercow, wife of the Speaker of the House of Commons, caused the potholes to happen in the first place, in a scorched earth policy, the likes of which we have never known before.
Science
Our exclusive research has uncovered that:
- On 7 April, in a breach of rules governing the transfer of power in the event of an imminent general election, Ed Miliband, then minister for Climate Change, received secret and highly sensitive information that December would be a cold month.
- In a bizarre and sinister twist of fate which beggars belief, we can reveal that Speaker of the House of Commons John Bercow gave information to his wife, the much taller Sally Bercow, that when it is frozen, counterintuitively, water actually expands. He is believed to have shown her pictures on the internet, the fact that ice cubes in the tray are bigger than the amount of water poured in, and eventualy conducted a covert and furtive experiment involving a plastic ‘I can’t believe it’s not butter’ tub and some water.
- The next day, we can explosively reveal, Sally Bercow, well known for her use of the social networking site ‘Twitter’ revealed the outcome of the experiment. She said:
“@edballsmp: discovered h20 gets bigger when it freezes. very interesting, may have implics 4 gen election. Off for a coffee. toodles.”
- This may have been a breach of the official secrets act, since the experiment conducted by John Bercow appears to have happened in the Speaker’s Apartment in the Palace of Westminster.
- Ed Balls was quick to act. Having conducted the experiment himself with the help of primary school students in Bristol, to be assured of the outcome, he contacted Ed Miliband to ask about weather prospects for the General Election date. We have discovered that Ed Balls was in a frenzy, seeking to be assured that May would experience sub-zero temperatures. As we know, this was not to be.
- Ed Miliband had another idea. He suggested a scorched earth policy, preparing the country for a winter of discontent which would see the tories ousted if they secured a victory in the then imminent general election. Working with Ed Balls, he ordered school children in marginal constituencies out with scissors and toffee hammers, to make small scores in main roads, guaranteeing the destruction of the road infrastructure on the Conservative party’s watch.
No denial
Nobody could be contacted at the Labour Party for comment on the story, which is absolutely true.*
*Seriously.
