The Prime Minister, Gordon Brown, has been concerned that the singer, praised for her astounding voice during auditions for the talent show, has not received sufficient plaudits and recognition for her newfound important role in promoting British talent overseas.
“The entire cabinet has asked me to pass on our commiserations to Susan, who set our nation alight with her incredible skill at appearing completely normal whilst singing a song. I particularly appreciate her apparent inability to transition to her new role, which reminds me of my first faltering two years as British premier. Susan is now the face of Britain.”
The plinth was originally designed by Sir Charles Barry and built in 1841 to display an equestrian statue. There were insufficient funds to create such a statue and so the plinth has remained empty.
Speaking for the English Tourist Board, Chief Executive Nigel Entirelytooenthusiastic said:
“Let’s face it, most Americans now think we basically do bad teeth, derring do and entirely ordinary looking women in housecoats singing opera. Apparently, most septics, when surveyed think Susan lives in Buckingham Palace with the Queen, and almost all of them want to visit the hausfrau chanteuse and get her fucking autograph. We thought we’d best stop the bastards from invading Scotland. The Mayor of London’s office made a joke at a Pimm’s and Paté about putting her on the plinth, and we decided to call their bluff. Smug bastards.”
Susan will be forced to climb up a ladder next Wednesday by officers of the Metropolitan Police armed with tazers and will be thrown a couple of sandwiches and a bottle of Scottish mineral water each morning through the summer. She will be armed with a pistol to ward off pigeons and Germans.
Boris Johnson, Mayor of London said “Of course this whole plan could all come to grief if we can fit a dance troupe on there.”