In the aftermath of three terrorist murders and the end of dissident republican ceasefires which threaten to plunge the region into devastating social and economic crises, the people of Northern Ireland this week expressed a willingness to return to their trivial bullshit.
“I just want to count the cash the southerners have been handing over in fucking bucketloads and try to get myself on TV” says Newry businessman Kevin McDonald. “These incendiary threats are really eating into my time watching my 24 boxset”.
Faced with the threat of unlimited violence and the fear of terror on the streets, teenager Niamh Cavanagh of Omagh wished the Real and Continuity IRA factions would lay down their arms. “My uncle David works at the newsroom in the BBC”, says the sixteen year old. “He says the shootings bumped the story about Jade Goody eating a banana. Terrorists just get in the way of life.”
A group of twenty somethings interviewed for the BBC Newsnight programme, expressed their dissatisfaction at the impact the renewed paramilitary campaign is having. Donna, a travel agent who describes herself as a ‘hardline loyalist’ explained the precarious situation the new violence places Northern Ireland in.
“Few enough music acts come here; we can look forward to a future free of Britney and Beyonce if this senseless violence continues. And who among us now feels safe sipping Mojitos behind the glass at The Apartment?”.
The Real IRA seem to have understood the turning tide. Their latest statements promise changes to the Irish Constitution to guarantee celebrity gossip during the RTÉ news and a thirty two county right to access a network of ‘republican, marxist tanning studios’.