Guido provided the blogging constituency with its first scalp, and now it’s time to get laid in.


The dreadful attempt to smear members of the Conservative Party in the run up to the next general election has backfired, and the useless bastard at the heart of the plan has had his head almost sufficiently kicked in.  Not nearly enough.

Now we have them pinned, it is well past time we tore their little red hearts out and stamped on their wretched little party. We have a right to be angry, to convert our anger to ice cold, certain and calculated action.  It’s what Lady Thatcher would want.

Damian McBride was always a wretched little nonentity, and now he’s going to look even older, but we can do better than that. Here’s what I think we should be looking for to gain the most from this little mess:

  • FOI to David Cameron, George Osborne, and Nadine Dorries on every piece of information held by or processed by 10 Downing Street or the Cabinet Office on them and their families in the last twelve months, so they can know what they’re dealing with
  • FOI requests from all well known bloggers in order to establish what information is being processed by Downing Street on us. I promise to not be disappointed when it emerges they don’t know who I am, or that they think my blog isn’t as funny as it used to be
  • A full and frank discussion of the view of the Psychotherapy profession’s view on Derek Draper’s declaration of the emails as ‘brilliant’
  • Two Dinners Watson to be visited by the Data Commissioner with a teddy bear for his son, and an FOI request about information passed to him on the issues covered in the emails
  • Two Doners Watson to be quizzed on his knowledge of new technologies, HTML and CSS
  • Immediate reshuffle to put Two Doners in Health in charge of obesity policy
  • Derek Draper to be beaten with a length of rubber hose
  • Next time George Osborne’s on GMTV, to demand that it’s Kate Garraway interviewing him, so he can ask the question ‘Why, Kate?’
  • Derek Draper to be beaten with a length of 2 by 4
  • The word ‘Draper’ to be adopted as a descriptor when someone expresses approbation for something they really should condemn, like this:
  1. “I just saw a child punched by John Prescott” “Brilliant” (the person saying ‘brilliant’ has just committed a Draper)
  2. “That Julia Roberts film with Clive Owen in it is on” “Brilliant” (the person saying ‘brilliant’ has just committed a Draper)
  3. “They just crucified our Lord” “Brilliant” (the person saying ‘brilliant’ has just committed a Draper).
  • The word would be used post facto to describe the action. The person committing the action might also be usefully be described as a Draper.  For instance, controversial historian David Irving might be biographied with the title ‘David Irving: Draper’
  • The web filter used on Guido Fawkes’ blog to be amended so that it replaces ‘Cunt’ with ‘Damian McBride’ and ‘Twat’ with ‘Derek Draper’. Any reference to overeating or obesity to be accompanied by a picture of Tom Watson, MP

I firmly believe that these actions will begin to redress the terrible harm done by McPoison and his damaged sidekick Dolly Draper, although replacing the Lottery jackpot with a chance to repeatedly slap them both in the face could be used as a way to rustle up money for good causes.