The Federal Communication Commission, the main US regulator for radio equipment, has ordered Apple Corporation (AAPL) to cease and desist the use of a metal ‘Reality Distortion Rim’ on its iPhone products, it said on Wednesday.

The rim has been controversial since it was discovered in August 2008 that it is composed of an alloy of Platinum and Molybdenum, two very rare and expensive elements, but only in January 2009 did the FCC raise concerns about the use to which the rim has been put. Dana Helmers, acting bureau leader in New York, said:

“We’re specifically concerned about the power of the rim, when charged at certain frequencies, to emit a reality distortion field, which has myriad effects on the user.”

The FCC plan to release a deposition draft this friday, which will detail how the rim:

  • Makes people think the iPhone is much smaller than it is
  • Causes users to forgive the faults of the phone
  • Causes users to develop implausible reasons why lacking certain features such as tethering and MMS is actually a good thing
  • Causes users to hum, or think of humming, “Perfect Timing (This Morning) by Orba Squara every time the pull it out of their pocket

Helmer continued:

“Apple iPhone users are the only people on Earth who use the fact that the iPhone has a shitty battery as a justification for no tethering and no MMS. Every other phone in the world, if it lacks such key features, is called out for being the piece of shit that it is. Only the Platinum-Molybdenum Reality distortion array could explain that. In addition, we want to know how Apple could afford to put this array, which we estimate costs $25,000 per unit onto a $100 dollar subsidised phone.  Fucking piece of shit.”