The text below represents the main text from a briefing issued to BNP officers this week, as Joanna Lumley visits Nepal, highlighting the situation of Gurkhas and their families. I cannot and will not reveal the source, who has successfully infiltrated the party.

Text begins:
Dear colleauges:

Some of you have been asking about Joanna Lumley’s visit to Nepal, where she has been openly speaking to, and ins ome cases eating with or shaking hands with, people whose skin is brown. Some of you have expressed disbelief that this beautiful english rose has betrayed her country and her race.

In fact, this is a typical neo-marxist deception by Lumley, who was born in India. She may have been infected at birth with a casual disregard for the integritry of the white race. In short, she was never properly english!

In order to handle this issue, we have issued the following guidance to all officers.

Bonfires of DVDs and VHS copies of Absolutely Fabulous should take place at the Red White and Blue barbeque, and any Pimms & Paste meetings should refrain from discussing The New Avengers. (as you know, Pimms and Paté meetings were banned and replaced under guideline 14.2.3 of 1999 after Le Pen made fun of us).

People should refrane from featuring Lumley in their masturbatory fantasies henceforth. To this end, people should certinly not watch ‘Jam and Jerusalem’ when it’s on TV.

In order not to be reminded of Lumley, people married to women with plummy accents should ask them to speak more harshly in future. We do not anticipate this will present too much of a problem for most members.

We hope this is clear to colleagues.

Yours sincerely,

Clive Extremelyunpleasant,