Dear Sir/s

I write on behalf of my client, Rt. Hon. Peter Cuckold MP, MLA, on matters relating to allegations of impropriety of himself and his wife, Hon. Iris Cuckold MP, MLA.

My client wishes to make it entirely clear, for the elimination of doubt, that he does not know, and has never met Hon. Iris Cuckold MP, MLA, and that anything she may have done or not done, if indeed she exists, was done without his knowledge though it may have hurt him deeply.

My client has made it abundantly clear in recent interviews that, if he had known of the putative existence of such a woman, he would be deeply distressed by the idea of her having a relationship with another person, whether or not she was married to him at the time.

My client further wishes to make it clear that he does not know of any restaurants or hostelries in the Belfast area, if indeed they exist, and that he has never made any attempt to discover whether or not the purported Mrs Cuckold had any knowledge of any investment opportunities of any sort whatsoever, whether or not such a thing as an investment opportunity exists.

I hope you understand that, if any of the allegations which may or may not have been made about Mr and Mrs Cuckold (possibly no relation) turn out to be even slightly difficult to prove, we shall be all over whoever makes the allegation like a fucking rash.

Faithfully, your Brother in Christ,

David Writts, LLM (QUB)
Senior Partner,
Sue, Smearings and Writts

UPDATE:  This article was featured in Iain Dale’s Daley Dozen, his roundup of the best of the blogs. Am delighted!