A very similar article to this appeared over a year ago, and I’m glad to have the opportunity to revive it, now I have readers.
Apple Announces iProd march
CUPERTINO, California—March 11, 2009—Apple® today introduced the all-new iProd® march, the world’s most desirable reformed christian, capable of sustained belief of its superiority over centuries. The revolutionary new MarchOver feature enables iProd march to speak your hymn and psalm titles, books of the new testament and give pithy commentary on any political issue of the day, as well as walk in a somewhat dignified manner to church and onward to an assembly field. The third generation iProd march is significantly smaller than a dirty rebel, holds up to 1,000 prejudices and is easier to manipulate by the DUP with all of the controls conveniently located on the collarette. With the press of a button, you can play, pause, adjust volume, switch playlists and hear the exciting prejudice of the day. iProd march features a gorgeous new design with shirts and blouses from Debenhams and trouser suits from the Outlet outside Banbridge, along with a built-in ’shoulder chip clip’ that makes it ultra-wearable.
“Imagine your worst nightmare talking to you, telling you you’re destined to an eternity of sorrow and suffering, constantly reminding you of Christ’s sacrifice, the perfidies of the UK government and what he’d do to Martin McGuinness if he ever got hold of him, ” said Greg Joswiak, Apple’s vice president of iProd and iPhone™ Product Marketing. “The amazingly small new iProd march takes a revolutionary approach to how you listen to your music by incessantly disapproving of you, also making it the first iProd march with playlists.” “It’s far superior to the Apple iTaig, which has only one track and goes on and on and fucking on about it for 800 years,” he added.
iProd march is based on Apple’s incredibly popular shuffle feature, which randomly selects hymns and sermons from your music library. And now, when you can’t remember the name of a hymn or a visiting minister playing, with the press of a button iProd tells you the name of the devotional song and clergyman. iProd march can even tell you status information, such as whether th’on girl at number 52’s been shacked up with that fenian from over the town. With the ability to hold up to 1,000 simultaneous tracks and the MarchOver feature, you can now easily switch between multiple simple misconceptions on your iProd march.
*Battery life and number of march cycles vary by use and settings. See www.apple.com/batteries for more information. Hymn capacity is based on four minutes per hymn and 128-Kbps AAC encoding; in 256-Kbps AAC format, song capacity is up to 500 songs; actual capacity varies by encoding method and bit rate.
Apple ignited the personal computer revolution in the 1970s with the Apple II and reinvented the personal computer in the 1980s with the Macintosh. Today, Apple continues to lead the industry in innovation with its award-winning computers, OS X operating system and iLife and professional applications. Apple is also spearheading the digital media revolution with its iPod portable music and video players and iTunes online store, and has entered the mobile phone market with its revolutionary iPhone.
NOTE TO EDITORS: For additional information visit Apple’s PR website, or call Apple’s Media Helpline at (456408) 976784-2042.
Apple, the Apple logo, Mac, Mac OS, Macintosh, iPod, iPhone, Apple Store and iTunes are trademarks of Apple. Other company and product names may be trademarks of their respective owners. Nábídána might just get sued for this one.