The original Hoon

The name's Hoon. Geoff Hoon.

Dear Colleague,

Fellow cowards,

As we move towards a General Election it remains the case that the Parliamentary Labour Party is deeply divided over the question of the leadership.

Like you, Patricia and I don’t much like Gordon Brown, but most of you are scared to do anything.

Many colleagues have expressed their frustration at the way in which this question is affecting our political performance.

Every time we mention it in the tea room, you get up and leave the table, in case Nick Brown is close by.

We have therefore come to the conclusion that the only way to resolve this issue would be to allow every member to express their view in a secret ballot.

We have no clue who should actually lead us, and none of you has the bollocks to stand up and face him down, so here’s a chance to do it in secret like the cowards members of the Labour party are.

This could be done quickly and with minimum disruption to the work of MPs and the Government.

If we get this over and done with, we might actually save our own seats.

Whatever the outcome the whole of the party could then go forward, knowing that this matter had been sorted out once and for all.

If we lose, we hope the retribution of the party won’t be too harsh.

Strong supporters of the Prime Minister should have no difficulty in backing this approach. There is a risk otherwise that the persistent background briefing and grumbling could continue up to and possibly through the election campaign, affecting our ability to concentrate all of our energies on getting our real message across.

Nothing we can say at the moment policy wise can deflect from the fact that nobody likes Gordon.  Since none of you can shut up, the media keep reporting it.  He’s god-awful, but we’re going to have to back him or sack him, or we might not feel completely loyal to him.

Equally those who want change, should they lose such a vote, would be expected by the majority of the PLP to devote all of their efforts to winning the election. The implications of such a vote would be clear – everyone would be bound to support the result.

If we don’t get him out, our careers are screwed, but we know we’ll have to shut up.

This is a clear opportunity to finally lay this matter to rest.

This is a clear opportunity to get rid of the accursed son of the manse.

The continued speculation and uncertainty is allowing our opponents to portray us as dispirited and disunited. It is damaging our ability to set out our strong case to the electorate. It is giving our political opponents an easy target.

Cameron is shitting all over us.

In what will inevitably be a difficult and demanding election campaign, we must have a determined and united parliamentary party. It is our job to lead the fight against our political opponents. We can only do that if we resolve these distractions. We hope that you will support this proposal.

Get Gordon out or lose your expenses

Yours fraternally,

Geoff Hoon and Patricia Hewitt