Lord Pearson,
Leader of the UK Independence Party

Friday 9 April 2010

Dear Mr. Cameron,

I have decided to write to you today to clarify some of the comments which have been attributed to me on the subject of the desirability or no of a working majority for you as leader of the Conservative Party.

As you know, I am a man who speaks as he finds, and who isn’t afraid to speak his mind on even the most complex topics, irrespective of how poor my grasp of the topic at hand may be.  That’s why, when questioned earlier today about the prospect of a general election heralding a working majority for you, I described it as ‘the end of the world, and possibly the impetus for a cataclysm the like of which the universe has not witnessed since the big bang’.

Let me explain to you what I meant by that.  My scientific advisers tell me that if you were to become Prime Minister and have enough of a majority to actually carry legislation that the first thing you would do would be to pass a law requiring the detonation of all the UK’s nuclear weapons in sequence, whilst simultaneously agreeing to be ruled by the germans and spaniards.   Now, I know you will say that plays no part in your plans, and you will ask me to point to where you have announced that policy.   But if the UKIP policy development process is anything to go by, I know that you will simply make up policy on the hoof and randomly say lots of stuff which makes no sense.

Secondly, your unwillingness to unilaterally renege on treaties and agreements made lawfully by the government of the day, and your apparent reluctance to have referenda on already in-force treaties is a mark of weakness in your leadership.  I think, and I have made it a central plank of UKIP policy, that any good leader should feel no compunction in agreeing to do even basically unlawful things should he randomly come upon the idea that to do so would be a good move.

David, though I feel that you and your dogged refusal to do mindless stupid shit is the single biggest threat to humanity and the integrity of the space-time continuum, I do not wish to upset you or your party, some of whom are as frankly mental as members of UKIP.  To that end, I have decided not to allow members of the UKIP to even visit the following ultra-marginal constituencies where you have firmly euro-sceptic candidates in the field:

Tatton, Richmond (Yorks), Huntingdon, Henley,

In addition, I have asked our candidates in the following ultra-ultra marginal tory seats not to rough your candidate up too badly:

Sedgefield, Birmingham Ladywood, Westminster.

I am sure that, if I were to show the characteristic politically illiterate fuck-headedness of my party, I could bring about the destruction of your party.  You will note how much research I have done into the seats I mention above.  You should fear my erudition, as I am sure you do already.

Yours, Etc


Lord Pearson,
Leader of the UK Independence Party

(Filed under Fake Letters)