4.25pm May 7 2010. Conservative Campaign Headquarters

DAVID CAMERON (For it is he)

“Hello, can I speak to Nick Clegg please”

NICK CLEGG (For it is he)

“Yes, Prime Mini…- David.  I’ve been waiting for your call.”

CAMERON: “How did you know it was me?”

CLEGG: “Caller ID.”

CAMERON: “But I’ve never called you before.  We’ve never spoken on the phone before.”

CLEGG: “Ah…”

CAMERON: “Anyway, Nick, You probably saw me on TV earlier.  I’m prepared to outline for you the areas where I believe, in essence, I think we can work together, and the areas where…”

CLEGG (Interrupting) “Let me just stop you there.  Say it.”

CAMERON: “Say what?”

CLEGG: “Say it, David.  Say the words I want to hear.”

CAMERON: “Do you want to be Deputy Prime Minister?”

CLEGG:  ‘NO, not that one.  Say it.  The thing.”

CAMERON: “Oh for fuck’s sake.”

CLEGG: “No say-ee, no govern-ee”

CAMERON: “Fuck, really?”

CLEGG: “Say it.”

CAMERON: “I agree with Nick.”

CLEGG:  “Fucking A!  Fucking right you do, Cameron.  You agree with me on everything.”

CAMERON:  “Well, not everything.  Not on Electoral Reform, Europe, Tax, Fixed Terms, House of Lords.”

CLEGG: “True.  So anyway.  i was thinking we could start with a few drinks, maybe bring our MPs to a getting to know you day out, then we could all cook each other food or have a barbecue together.  Just to see how we gel.”

CAMERON:  ‘What the fuck are you going on about?  If we give you a referendum on electoral reform, will you give us an agreement to work with us on the Queen’s Speech and an abstention on the biggies?”

CLEGG: “Oh.  You don’t want to do like a Thames Pleasure Cruise or something?”

CAMERON:  “Not really, no.  Maybe after we’ve cut the deficit, managed the debt and begun to build new schools?”

CLEGG: “Fuck.  Well, I suppose that’s okay.  Are you going to make Vince the Chancellor?”

CAMERON:  “Nick, you can stop pretending you like Vince now.  We both know he’s a c…”

CLEGG (Interrupting) : “Well, anyway…”

CAMERON: “For fuck’s sake, Nick, is he listening on the other line?”

CLEGG: “No.”

CAMERON: “Christ the light.  Vince, put down the phone, this is between me and Nick.”

[Sound of phone cradle being clicked]

CAMERON: “Right.  All that plus I tell the lads not to jeer when you ask a question at PMQs.  How does that sound?”

CLEGG: “Right, well, I’ll have to bring that back to the party.  We are a democratic party, it’s my responsibility as…”

CAMERON (Interrupting): “Yeah, fucking blah blah fucking blah.  Get back to me when you’ve grown a pair.”

[Sound of dial tone]