Former Prime Minister Gordon Brown has indicated that he intends to return to Parliament as a golem to haunt the Labour Party, it has been revealed.

Gordon Brown

Gordon Brown wearing his numb, staged smile he will reserve for staring right at David Miliband

The MP for Kircaldy and Cowdenbeath has let it be known through close friends that he aims to sit ashen-faced and scowling through the debate on constitutional reform when Parliament resumes, and will sigh volubly and tut when Labour MPs stand up to speak.  In order to ensure his tortured presence has a profound and disquieting impact on the Opposition benches, he will not vote in divisions, but will restrict himself during divisions to sitting motionless, his gaze transfixed on the Government Dispatch Box.

Nick Brown, former Government Chief Whip and close confidant of the former PM, has told of his namesake’s devotion to the people of his constituency and the principle that he continue to represent them.

“Gordon Brown is all about fatalism, duty and service. He was elected by the people of Kircaldy and Cowdenbeath, and, come hell or waters high, he will continue his tribulation of self-denial for the period of the next Parliament.  Gordon exists in an eerie, dispossessed calm at the moment – an empty vacuum devoid of emotion or feeling, entirely numb to the instincts and experiences of most human beings.  He is a ghost of himself, and will linger, poltergeist like, terrifying the next leader of the party.  It’s what the people of his constituency sent him to do.”

Mr Brown will ask the first question at David Cameron’s first PMQs since the birth of the Camerons’ new baby girl, and it is expected he will follow it with a supplementary asking the premier what it is like to experience happiness.