Ireland's bailout deal explained

Nábídá has been handed leaked details of the deal agreed with the IMF and European Union in order to secure a multi-billion euro bailout.  The deal, which is expected to be approved by the IMF and EU in a formal announcement on Wednesday of next week, will comprise some of the most austere measures ever applied to Ireland in the state’s history.

  • Cuts to the state-provided daily whiskey provision for children will be made.  In future, the Irish standard measure of 35ml will be reduced to 25ml, or possibly substituted for a Bacardi Breezer for girls
  • Leprechauns, who largely escaped the ravages of the 2009 austerity measures,will not get away so easily this year.  Those who did not heavily invest their pot ‘o gold in Irish banks in the celtic tiger years will now be taxed at 45%.  In addition, an IMF inspector will be appointed to ensure that the collective eye is never taken off the community, who will surely resent the taxation.
  • The government programme supplying Breitling watches to bank clerks will be scrapped entirely.  Banks wishing to supply employees with gold watches will now be required to choose from less expensive Tag Heuer or Raymond Weil models, through a special scheme of assistance to be offered through the German government
  • The Irish Language will see some reforms, which should be welcomed by gaelgeoirí and orthographers. In a return to the more ancient form of the language, the letter ‘h’ will be scrapped and replaced by a small dot over the preceding letter; the seamhú, as it is known, will save some €740m in government printing costs over the next five years.
  • Finally, but being being downplayed by the government, is the plan to save €13.2bn on services used by the poor and needy, such as hospitals, prescriptions, social welfare, accommodation, health and safety and shit like that.