Following Micheál Martin’s decision to resign from cabinet being refused by An Taoiseach on Sunday, reports are circulating that other members of the cabinet have begun to take exceptional risks, to see just what someone has to do to leave the Irish government.

Mary Harney has allegedly planned an enormous hospital building programme to be announced on Monday afternoon, while An Tánaiste Mary Coughlan has called a press conference to trail an audacious plan to shoot down an American airliner filled with children born on 9/11 and senior Israeli diplomats.

Noel Dempey has ordered all school buses to have bars installed and brakes cut, while Minister for Community, Equality and Gaeltacht affairs has outlawed the use of Irish within his department.

The Taoiseach himself is not to be undone. At an event later today, he will unveil plans for water to be rationed in all counties but Offaly, while Sean Fitzpatrick will be appointed Financial Regulator.