The Fianna Fáil Parliamentary Party has given instructions to the Chief Whip to prepare Brian Cowen for ritual sacrifice at the next full moon.

Chief Shaman of the party, Mayo TD Dara Calleary, has been asked to officiate at the ceremony, where an Taoiseach will be hoisted, drugged, into an enormous mannequin made of wicker and flax and ignited just as the moon illuminates an ancient golden torc on amulet of Amber on a marble altar in a circular field.

It is understood Jackie Healy Rae has successfully secured his Kerry South Constituency to be the venue for the ritual, but the Green Party has denied this was in return for co-operation on committee appointments.

Explaining the rationale, Fianna Fáil Matriarch Mary O’Rourke explained:

“We’ve done everything we can to gain the love of our shadowy overlords, but nothing has worked. Cutting social welfare, covering up for the banks, even putting Dick Roche on television, all that mad shite, but nothing has worked. It is time to make a blood sacrifice, and Noel Dempsey can’t be contacted.”

Fine Gael dismissed the plans to brutally murder the Fianna Fáil leader ‘a cynical election bribe’, while Labour TDs gathered around the entrails of a pigeon on the Oireachtas Plinth, with Joan Burton chanting for a quick dissolution of the Dáil.