The chairperson of the Fiona Institute, Professor Adrian O’Hanrohanrohan, last night lashed out at Jesus Christ for his ‘pro gay’ message of peace, love and understanding, ahead of today’s marriage equality referendum.
O’Hanrohanrohan expressed ‘astonishment and bewilderment’ at the position adopted by the Prince of Peace, who, quoted in Luke 10:25, appeared to agree with a scholar when he said: “Thou shalt love the Lord thy God with all thy heart, and with all thy soul, and with all thy strength, and with all thy mind; and thy neighbour as thyself”, and went on to tell the story of a Samaritan who came to the aid of an injured traveller.
“That doesn’t sound like the Bible I read”, said O’Hanrohanrohan. “The Jesus I know is deeply and fiercely judgemental and delights in the pain and suffering of anyone who falls beneath the standards he has arbitrarily determined. Also, as far as I can tell, God asked us to judge and avenge any and all breaches of His law here on Earth, particularly in Leviticus. In this ‘love thy neighbour stuff, Christ appears to not even be considering whether our neighbour is a Christian – they could even be a homsexual and a lapsed Methodist!”
O’Hanrohanrohan went on to outline how he was particularly interested in literal application of some parts of the bible and torturous interpretation of other parts. “God wanted us to have grape juice, not wine, which is just a whimsical turn of phrase – and also he wants us literally to stone people who wear clothing made of more than one type of cloth. That seems entirely reasonable. But this Jesus fella? Where does he get off telling us in James 5:9 not to judge lest we be judged? Good luck judging me, I’m a Christian!”